A Treatise on the Ills of Forced Air

OR
A Justification For Refusing Mr. Carrier’s Patented Apparatus for Treating Air.

1. Civilized man has existed for thousands of years without the aid of conditioned air.  What deems the Modern Man to be so weak?

2. Sweating is the human body’s means for cooling.  Without our natural venting, in what lies the use of perfumed deodorants?

3. Such Conditioning Apparatuses are monstrous machines compromising nature’s gifts of light and sound, never mind architectural integrity.

4. What pleasure does one derive from savoring frozen dainties, such as Ice Cream or Soda Water, on a Warm day in a Cold room?

5. Our own Dr. Benjamin Franklin extolled the virtues of fresh air ventilation in a letter to Benjamin Rush (1773), noting “People often catch cold from one another when shut up together in close rooms, coaches, etc., and when sitting near and conversing so as to breath in each other’s transpiration.”

6. Air-borne ailments such as the so-called “Legionnaires” are propagated by these evil contraptions, as close to home as the finest rooms of the Bellevue-Stratford Hotel.

7. Is the Nature of our “Modern” society to be Conditioned to accept these Machines?  Or will our Mother Nature succeed in her time-honored wisdom of a breeze?  The mores or lesser of men shall decide.

TAKE  NOTICE!

Mankind has meandered through all previous millennia without the crutch of a mechanized breeze. Throughout the ages fresh air has hardened and sculpted our vitality. Such a supplement as conditioned-air is unnecessary and liable to reroute our evolutionary trajectory source-wards.  We vehemently refuse to conform to the hegemonic demands of a moribund society.

While coolants and refrigerants may very well provide a frigid interior, they would simultaneously expel a proportionate amount of heat into an already-sweltering exterior atmosphere (as the first Law of Thermodynamics should have it.) It would be downright rude of us to swaddle ourselves with chilled air while sloughing off the heat to our neighbors. The aforementioned contraptions behave in the manner of the most avaricious loan shark: Offering temporary comfort only to collect later with exuberantly compounded interest. The heat and noxious gases that these newfangled gadgets belch into the welkin accumulate exponentially. The toxicity of this gaseous alluvium is perilous, for it will desiccate our fragile atmosphere, rendering our planet’s airy aegis as torrid as praline brittle. We refuse to contribute to this harrowing scenario.

Modernity has depleted this fair country of much of its once-ample grit. Convenience has cost us our character and indolence is now an all-too-common syndrome of the American populace. We refuse to compromise spirit for luxury.